(Original post June 13th 2016 1:00 am- Facebook)
I know……, I have a tendency to protect my heart by keeping people (even those I love) at a comfortable distance for fear of being hurt and to ensure that pain will not find its way into my life. That’s not a way to live and it’s something I want to change.
I’m way more sensitive than I let on and I want to stop seeing this as a weakness. I don’t know how many times I held back from crying today for fear of looking weak, I want to stop feeling guilty for feeling deeply for those in pain. Easier said than done.
I guess what I’m saying is that today made me realize that nothing lasts forever and (God forbid) If I die in a horrific way like some did today I would want to make sure people know the real me.
– I’m a gay man in love with another gay man.
-I don’t hate hugs like I say I do ( I just don’t want people to see me as weak)
– I don’t want to sound cold or distant sometimes ( I do it to protect myself)
-I love making you laugh and cringe at my inappropriateness
( it makes me feel “equal” and playful)
– loyalty is an attribute I value in myself and others
– I swear a lot
– Fighting for the underdogs is something I’ve always done ( it’s not to be argumentative, I just find purpose speaking for those with no voice)
-I am spiritual and love learning about what connects us.
-love scares me because I don’t think I can survive having found it and risk losing it.
There you have it a few things that make up who I really am. The good the bad and the ugly…. I want to make this change to live as authentically as I possibly can to honor the lives of those lost today.
No one should have to hide who they really are and it start with ourselves showing our true colors.
Love you all,